The Eternal Struggle for Self-Compassion

Hearing the words that confirmed my daughter had cancer, immediately flooded me with competing emotions. Fear and sorrow were the most powerful at that time. As time passed, those feelings began to ebb and flow depending on the day and are singularly about her. Although they can be debilitating, they are much easier for me to manage. My feelings of guilt, however, came later and have been the most challenging. I think what makes it so difficult is, as time marches on there are more and more things to feel guilty about. The list of all the things that make me feel guilty and why could probably take up several sheets of single ruled paper. However, for efficiency’s sake, I’ll condense it down to my top three.

The first thing I feel guilty about is whether I played a role in some dumb cell going rogue to cause the golf ball-sized tumor in my daughter’s brain. There is nothing like cancer to make you question almost every decision you have ever made in your entire life. Was it a medication I took prior to getting pregnant or after? Did I stand in front of a microwave for too long? Did I fall in love with a man with some messed-up genetics? OMG, what if I’m the one with the messed-up genetics? Is this karma for something I’ve done in a past life (magical thinking at its finest)? The list can go on and on but it all boils down to one answer. We’ll probably never know what caused her cancer but it wasn’t anything I did.

Another area that brings tremendous guilt was not realizing something was wrong sooner. I think back on those months prior to her diagnosis and can spot all the signs that something was wrong. However, when we were living it, all the symptoms had reasonable explanations: teething, gassiness, not pushing her enough to work on developmental milestones, and big sister's recent cold. They were all pieces to a puzzle that we didn’t know we were working on. If we had been able to figure it out sooner, would it have made a difference? Maybe but it doesn't change the fact that she has cancer.

I feel guilty for the impact Pey’s diagnosis has had on her sister. The plan to increase her time at preschool to be better prepared for elementary school and her own enjoyment became impossible with a lack of transportation and financial changes. I missed her last day of preschool and the first day of TK. Above all, I feel guilty that she sometimes expresses that I chose her sister over her. My week-long hospital stays for months, left me struggling to find ways to show her that she was valuable to me now as much as ever.

So with all this guilt lying about and tormenting me, my therapist told me I needed to channel Ariana Grande and say “Thank you, Next” to those feelings. Maybe not in those words, but that’s what I heard. Acknowledge the feeling, push it away, and move on to the next thought, idea, or activity. She recommended I work on my self-compassion. Being self-compassionate is treating yourself with kindness and understanding when facing your perceived (or non-perceived) shortcomings or failures. So that is what I aim to do when I start feeling guilty about these things.

When the little nudge that I played a role in causing her cancer, I tell myself “I didn’t do this.” The treatment I was on for IUI and the medications I took during my pregnancy to keep her in the oven until she was fully baked, didn’t cause this. If it had, my doctors wouldn’t have had put me on those medications. When my voice doesn’t quell the feelings, I turn to my support team. Hearing them tell me there wasn’t anything I did or could have done to prevent it, is the reassurance I need. It is important to remind myself that it is way easier to look back with the knowledge of her tumor and see the signs (hindsight being 20/20 and all). When I recognized that something was really wrong, I consulted pediatricians I worked with who validated the nursing care we were providing at home should have helped. They agreed that I needed to bring her in to be evaluated. Lastly, I tell big sister that I love her and miss her all the time I was away. I wrote her letters, listened to her being read to at night, and watched her brush her teeth over FaceTime. I often consulted with our Child Life Specialists about how I should discuss the diagnosis and explain my absence. I involved them when she saw her sister after her first surgery with all the tubes and had her sit down with one when she started asking more questions.

Guilt doesn’t care about what we’ve done for ourselves, our children, or our families. It likes to be the overly judgemental critic analyzing everything. I can’t say it will ever go away because mine hasn’t but I do try to prevent its power over me. For every sharped tongue criticism, I list the things I did do in that scenario. I list all the good things I do for my family. Find a mantra that works for you, mine is “You’re doing great, Mama.” Get a sticker and put it on your water bottle, write it on a post-it and put it on your mirror, set it on your phone as a daily event because seeing it every day is the reinforcement you need. Let the guilt feelings go and replace them with the kindness you need to hear. The kindness and understanding you give to others.

So I’ll start your list for you: you are a great parent, you do the best you can every day, you give the best comfort to your child and you are not responsible for your child’s cancer.